† Back in Black †

Poly, Jealousy, Being True to Yourself and Just Going with it. -- reflections on this life so far.

2012-02-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting topic for me because I find myself in a situation that I haven't ever been in before. I've never been with someone, that is with me, and also with someone else. It's not some "bizarre love triangle" or triad its that I'm not my boyfriends only girlfriend. I'm sure that sounds weird to some people and I'm sure that there will be others that may look down on me for my choice to be in this style of relationship but I really don't care because it works for me.
I don't think that anyone ever chooses to take the more difficult path than the one that is easy and straight forward. We don't go out of our way to make things more difficult then they have to be, it just wouldn't make any sense. It is with this logic that I go forward into my "relationship" with M. and such as it is, with A. For lack of a better term, I have a working relationship with A. We are friends and we enjoy each others company. Believe it or not, we get along and hang out on a semi-regular basis.

The first time I met up with A. it was just the two of us. I wanted it this because I didn't want the focus of our meeting to be anything but getting to know each other and finding out how we feel on the situation we found ourselves in. Being the type of person that I am, I totally freaked out. I mean, I'm going to go have dinner with my boyfriend's girlfriend?!

I don't think that any life experience can prepare you for that moment when you open the door to the restaurant and see this beautiful girl sitting down waiting for you and that’s her and you don't want it to be her. I mean you're intimidated and you have feelings of jealousy -- well I did at least, I can't speak for her -- and for one fleeting moment you wonder why the hell you are doing this to yourself. Then you remember it. You're doing this because you think he's special and you know what else? She must be pretty fucking special too if he's with her. Then you waver back for a little bit and bump into that confidence issue and it taps you on the shoulder and tries to make you think that no matter what, you're the one person in this situation that isn't special.

I'm a little surprised at how well we get along and how different we are on the outside as well as in. A. is this tall geeky girl with blonde hair streaked with turquoise. She has a presence I don’t think that she is at all aware of and has a very pretty smile that lights up her whole face, especially when she laughs. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm short, slightly chubby with a penchant for 10lbs of make-up and the colour black.

Our meeting was perhaps a little awkward at first but it quickly faded and I felt like I was sitting across the table with someone I had known forever. The conversation flowed at such a delightful pace and it was like I was immediately put at ease. To make a long story short, she left a wonderful impression on me and now I no longer had to wonder about the "other woman" so to speak. She is strong in attributes that I am weak in and I know that there are some things that come easier to me. We are both beautiful in different ways and as cliché as this sounds we are both special.

Sometimes we find something in people that is so rare, that we have no other choice then to go with it and hold on. I found something in M. that I had been searching for. Something that perhaps on the surface isn't so rare, but when you get right down to specifics, it may be damn near impossible to find or comprehend for that matter. My relationship with M. is a unique one and the lifestyle that we lead may be foreign and perhaps bizarre for some, but it works for us. It is vastly different from anything else I have ever engaged in and very different than the relationship he has with A.

It is the differences that make me feel safe, that make me feel secure in what I am doing. I cannot pretend that there aren't times where I'm angry or feel that twinge of jealousy, I'm human and I'm dealing with my emotions as they come and sometimes I do a great job of it, and other times, not so much. I'm trying though and I'm actively participating in my own evolution so to speak. I'm not just sitting back and expecting what I'm feeling to go away just because I want it to. I'm dealing with it and the issues that surround it and to be completely honest, its not exactly something I was known to do before.

"Just go with it." was what I told myself. I told myself that I would keep going along until I didn't feel like it was something I could do anymore. Until I felt like I had given it my all. I'd like to think that my very active dating life within the past couple of years has taught me a thing or two about a thing or two. Hopefully my trips around the block have not been in vain and that I have emerged from my twenties into a wiser human being and someone that refuses to hide when things get rough.

I'm not pro-polyamoury nor am I pro-monogamy. I'm pro-relationship and pro-love. I believe that you have every right to love as many people as you want, be it two, twenty or just one. I believe that the feeling of love is the single most important feeling in our lives. It gives us comfort and hope. Acceptance and reconciliation. It can change the way we feel about ourselves and it can make us question our own perspectives and perhaps add additional insight. I believe that there are so many incarnations of this emotion for a reason. It's simple in its complexity really and it is that which makes it special. We should be free to do what we want to do when it involves the heart and loving people.

I'm currently in a 24/7 M/s relationship with M. This relationship works for us, it bonds us together in ways that I didn't think possible and it is through this relationship that I have learned so many wonderful, beautiful and just downright amazing things about myself and my abilities. I have goals that are now clear and I have this drive for perfection that I have never felt before. My M/s relationship fills me with a sense of purpose, pride and love and provides me with outlets for what I once perceived as "sins" so to speak. It is in this relationship that I feel oddly comfortable for something I have never done before. Be it my open mind or my open relationship, whatever it is, I'm just going with it.

Be bold. Be true and "Love as Thou Wilt."

- GDH

The Key

2012-02-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

The Key

You may have something on me,

but that something is not anything I wish to give away.

Keeping a tiny piece for me,

at least for one more day.

DJ D1v1ne syn @ Noc Noc for Factory

2012-02-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

Set 1 915 - 10:00pm

Razorfade - Chemical Distraction
Grendel - Crucify
Aesthetic Perfection - I Belong to You
Panzer AG - Behind a Gasmask
Wumpscut - Corroded Breed
Skinny Puppy - WorlockED [can't remember who did this mix]
Skinny Puppy - Assimilate [unintentional back to back fuck up]
Unterart - Exit
Combichrist - Kickstart the Fight
Leatherstrip - Fit for Flogging
Suicide Commando - Conspiracy with the Devil
Hocico - Wounds

Set 2 - 12:15 - 12:45am

Ayria - Winter Love Song
Nine Inch Nails - Happiness in Slavery
Mechanical Cabaret - Nothing Special
Hocico - Escape the Spell
Velvet Acid Christ - Fuck You Bitch (Goth Queen)
God Module - Orange and Black
XP8 - Dreamt of Blue
Frontline Assembly - Mindphaser
Oghr - Minus

~ submersam ~

2012-02-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

submersam

we walk through bonds of water

free flowing, connected.

fluidly falling gracefully to our knees

and embracing under thick swells of emotion.

we surface together

hands locked

lips clasped tight.

fighting against the current of the tide.

the undertow pulls us down

and we embrace this aqualine dream.

i'll be Loreley and You, Leviathan.

No Words, Just Video

2012-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

2012-01-29T20:07:00.000-08:00

~~I'm calling your bluff in 20 minutes.~~

and such my lips shall never speak again. Sadness brought to my heart, perhaps by my own doing to witness my own undoing.

Pieces of Blue

2012-01-29T01:56:00.000-08:00

† Pieces of Blue - In the Shadows - A self-Portrait †

Kept

2012-01-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

† Kept †

Under your bed.

in a cage hanging from your ceiling.

tied to a chair

grabbed by the hair.

It doesn't really matter.

I just want to be kept.

2012-01-18T21:42:00.001-08:00

Sometimes its just easier to paint on a happy face and keep walking.

And in Danced Fate

2012-01-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

And in Danced Fate

The wind blew in something I never noticed I lost.

Crossing paths we merge and twist until all is one.

The moon's violet rays run pale across my cheek

and I can feel that little piece of me coming home.

Love as Thou Wilt

2012-01-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

Things happen when they are supposed to. When you are ready to take them on. When you are ready to conquer. Search and destroy. Rip down the walls you were taught and if you're me, "Just go with it."

Earlier tonight on the wall of the stall of the women's bathroom at AFK.

"Love as Thou Wilt"

Infamous words of Jacqueline Carey's Diety "Elua" in the Kushiel Legacy novels. And in that moment, a clarity breaking forth from the clouds and a ray of the most despised sun in my world. Despised for what it initially is and then loved for the warmth it brings and contains.

Love as thou wilt.

Enough to bring tears to my eyes many hours later. And enough insight, foresight and guidance that I need to get me through these next days. Emotions to fill the breadth and width of all heights that are contained within me. Fictional words, from a fictional being from this fictional book that I just happen to be reading right now? That pairs with "In the House of Slaves" by Evelyn Lau, poetry I have been going to bed with?

Things happen when they are supposed to.

Just go with it.

And in these lessons and the twist on my morality, light breaks forth like clarity through the eyes of the blind. When perhaps to question is to err and to accept as is, well is to love. It is to Love as Thou Wilt and love those that are tied so closely with ones that you love. That breaking down the doors and walls and ceilings of our own imaginings to embrace something that may be completely foreign but is completely right. How can it be that something that is unknown can breed such familiarity and hope? I feel like I have unconditional love for it all, for everyone, for myself.

Progress breeds leniency and obedience gains love and this acceptance makes my heart soar.

The most important lesson that I can think of tonight? Love as Thou Wilt and don't look back, not even for a moment.

- G.

2012

2012-01-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

I've been throwing around the idea of doing a wrap up of last year for the past couple of weeks now and I've decided against it. 2011 appears to have been a shitty year all around and the last thing I really want to do is relive it. I will say that the last half of the year was the set up for 2012 and if the trend continues this next year is going to be completely amazing.

Okay so this is actually turning into a retrospective.*le sigh* Perhaps I'll just focus on some of the good things that happened. This past year was interesting in terms of music. I started to branch out from my comfort/stereotype zone and started listening to something that wasn't goth/industrial/synthpop etc etc. This past year I made a very strange foray into the world of Pop/Top 40 by cultivating quite the interest in Christina Perri. It's been a while since I found a connection with a pop singer, but when I downloaded her album, Lovestrong after hearing the single, Jar of Hearts. Aside from a couple of songs, I really enjoyed the entire album and I felt like I could relate to the music and especially the lyrics. For anyone that hasn't checked her out, I highly recommend that you do.

I also took up quite the interest in Dubstep and other forms of electronic music. I'm still in my infancy stages of discovering different artists and genres but I'm really enjoying listening to the different forms and learning about the origins. I've taken some shit for "jumping on the bandwagon" so to speak, but oh well.

Another surprising discovery was T-Pain. I'm a self-professed hater of Rap, R&B and other genres like that so when I started listening to T-Pain's newest album I was kinda embarrassed but as continued I figured I had nothing to lose, after all, my crazy YouTube videos with the T-Pain microphone are floating around the Internet. I find some of the lyrics in this genre a little amusing to say the very least and think that a little more attention could be paid, but oh well. I honestly can't relate to the music on any sort of level, but I like the beats and makes me feel a little tougher. :P

I flirted with the idea of moving back to Vancouver this past year and even went so far as to get a second job to help save money faster for the move. It wasn't until I dissected my reasons for moving back and my motivation that I decided against it. I was sad to leave my second job because I really enjoyed it, but I couldn't keep working two jobs forever. Since I'm staying in Seattle for the foreseeable future I've decided to concentrate on my career more.

Work has been good to me, and last year was no exception. I received two promotions, two raises and just in these past couple of weeks found out that they are giving me even more responsibility. It's nice to feel valued and its nice to feel like your work is appreciated. I'm going to continue to work hard and to expand my skill set and experience to work my way even further up the ladder.

I was crowned Ms Gothic Seattle this past year and even though I think the title is a little cheesy, it has really helped me get back into the Goth scene and to get involved even more. My reign is up in April and I honestly will be a little sad to see it go but I know that if I continue to stay involved in Gothic Pride Seattle that it will almost be the same thing.

Without going into too many details, I will say that I broke down a lot of doors, barriers and inhibitions this past year. I threw the guilt of my lifestyle away and vowed never to let anyone tell me what I enjoy is wrong. This honestly strengthened my "faith" as an atheist and made me realize the implications and harm that social brainwashing can cause. I'm not completely to where I want to be as I continue to struggle with some things but I know that I will get there eventually.

Towards the end of last year was when the inertia of my life totally changed and someone incredible walked into my life. Very soon I'll be embarking on a very difficult but fulfilling journey and one that I have been waiting for what seems like forever for. A journey that I feel touches me deeper than the commitment of marriage and more beautiful than anything I've ever seen. Together, Him and me, we will destroy the world.

Tearing it Apart - A Pain That I'm Used To by Depeche Mode

2012-01-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
[The feeling of despair when you've tried everything.
when you don't know which side is up and you're almost
ready to give up. Not knowing what you wanted until you
found it.]
I just know that I'm harder to console
[Again, despair. Difficulty in finding reasons to carry
on that don't sound like a cop out. It's difficult to be
comforted from your torment, when you are the one doing
it yourself and the one you're counting on to help.]
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
[Eventually you are blind to everything. You can't tell the difference
between how you are perceived and the way you actually are.
It's your emptiness and vacancy.]
But the key is a question of control
[I'm taking this one literally. The answer to all of this
is control. In this case giving it all up. No longer wishing
or needing to control my own life.]

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
[All of the false ones that you find. The ones that think they
know you and know exactly what you want. Charlatans, counterfeit.]
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
[Literal - I'll take all the suffering and punishment so that you can
do what you want. You can break the rules, but I am forbidden to.]
All the signs that I find have been underlined
[Eventually you can put everything together to find your way.
You know which side is up now and you know what direction
you are going.]
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled
[What you once thought was a sin is now divine. Desire
fueled by what others may feel is blasphemous.]

All this running around, well it's getting me down
[The journey. The long road. Like running in circles and tiring you out.
You keep going but you never get anywhere. It's the depression that
comes from staying in one place for too long.]
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
[Disappointment, but also the obvious. It is familiar but
so new at the same time. It's comfort and compassion
love, lust and hate all rolled into one.]
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
[I'm not buying in, nor do I have to adhere to your rules. I will do what
I want and act the way I want. Your dreams, are my hell.]
You just need to achieve something that rings true
[Something that hits every button, nerve, fragment and perimetre and
parametre of your existence. Something that fills that hole and makes
you whole.]

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
[This is the ravenous beast that for a very long time just could
not be sated. The empty hunger of needing/wanting something
and not knowing what it is.]
With no conscience, repentance unknown
[No longer feel the guilt because you know what you want
and what you have are right for you. You cannot repent of
something you feel no remorse for.]
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
[Again, literal. Keep your eyes shut and endure what you asked for.]
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown
[See, "Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled."]

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
[Can no longer hide from what I know to be the truth and to be
completely real. This isn't a phase.]
No mistaking the faking, I care
[The key is in the last two words. I care, finally care
and finally have reason to care. It's AFTER "No mistaking
the faking." After you've faked it, you've made it.]
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
[Something I once believed but is now suspended, it
will never touch the ground again - aka: come back to
reality. For this I am grateful beyond belief.]]
On a note full of hope not despair
[It isn't disgraceful nor bitter. Instead there is a peace
and an obvious hope that finally certain feelings can
be put to rest]

Untitled - Again

2012-01-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

It comes and goes
ebbs and flows
the inherent need
no, desire to destroy myself
in ways that you cannot imagine
chemical addled brain
deplores me to step off the
edge and just fly away
an attempt to fly
becomes an attempt
no, success in self-destruction
why can't it just run its course
in a moment or two
and spare me the thoughts
the misery of anxiety
and apprehension
of degradation and acclimation
when you can't help but
beg to be released from
the hold that it claims it
doesn't have on you
but is connected
by invisible threads
and hands twisting violently
through me

Untitled.

2012-01-03T21:59:00.001-08:00

In shades of slumber
I inhale sharply
and my heart flutters
for what feels like days
I lay down
comforted
and close my eyes
safe in knowing
that nothing will cause me harm

Twenty

2011-12-29T21:47:00.000-08:00

Twenty

Goes the hour
goes the minute

mind left to wander

through labyrinths of gold

and locked doors to spoil.

She turns to greet

faces she doesn't know

with names she is all too familiar with.

Goes the day

and goes the months

eyes are open

even when they are closed.

slumber broken

by dreams that are only

there to hurt.

Screaming by goes the hour.

Blurred vision to

satisfy even the moments that you despise.

Goes the day

goes the hour

goes the minute

Gone is the moment.
Twenty.

The Bitch

2011-12-19T11:33:00.001-08:00

Attachment.

Ignorance.

Petty Jealousy.

Stigma.

Sorrow.

**

What awaits in silence,

is often forgotten

when the day breaks the dawn

and sleep soothes the senses.

**

She may be forgotten,

but still she lingers here.

On the inside.

I choose to ignore her,

and the silly fantasy that she produces.

She waves her arms around,

to try and get me to notice,

her little temper tantrum and

the tone of her "comfort."

She beguiles my rationality, again.

She seduces me,

with her morality

and ambiguity.

Talking sweet to heighten my awareness.

I try to walk away

but time throws me to the floor.

Weeping I push her away

and tell her, "No more!"

A Short Rant

2011-12-09T15:58:00.001-08:00

You know I'm more than a little sick of this whole bipolar thing. I have been trying my best to take care of myself and do the right thing but somehow I got off balance sometime in the past month and I'm having just the hardest time finding it again. It's annoying as fuck, to go the whole day feeling pretty fucking fantastic and then *BOOM* I drop -- and for the record, I ain't fucking dubstep. -- It's more than a little disheartening when it feels like everything you're doing isn't doing shit. My temper has been flaring up lately and in the evenings, as much as I don't want to admit it, I've been having these self-harming fantasies. I mean what the fuck? Where the hell does that come from? I'm over it all, I really am and I guess I have to step up my game now.

Soo...with that being said, I'm going to stop drinking and taking all unneccesary substances for the next week or two to see if that helps. I'm sure that drinking, which is a depressant, isn't helping my cause at all. I've already been tracking what I have been eating and have seen some nice progress in the way my clothes have been fitting already. It's kinda amazing what three pounds can do. While my legs and right hip are giving me problems again, I'm going to try and at least get out for a 30-60 minute walk everyday to try and make up for the fact that I take the bus to and from work now. Hopefully that will help me on my way to becoming more balanced.

Okay so this didn't turn out as ranty as I thought it would, at least I feel better now that I have a game plan.

Untitled

2011-12-06T22:34:00.001-08:00

†"the darkness fades to light,i know You're always right,because i belong to you."†

Intuition

2011-12-01T11:51:00.001-08:00

Intuition

I wait in darkness.

Knees folded under me and my hands resting lightly on my thighs.

Head bowed, eyes closed.

Patience.

A calm washes over my head

and even though I am shrouded in darkness,

I can find Him like my eyes were wide open.

† This is NOT What I Had in Mind †

2011-11-28T16:36:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I really love my job. Other times? Well when you're photocopying a whole bunch of documents that you can't unbind from the packet and you have to keep flipping the goddamned motherfucking book over and over again while cutting yourself on the fucking pages...you kinda feel like a slave. [and not exactly what I had in mind.]

So I took 5 seconds out to give myself some sort of satisfaction...and well, it didn't satisfy as much as I thought it was, but it did relieve the boredom for a bit.

† Training †

2011-11-27T00:36:00.001-08:00

I'm learning how to tie knots and to do assorted other things with rope. I have to say that it is incredibly calming to just sit on the couch and tie knots or a series of knots to create something. This thing here is called the Zipper Sinnet. I'm actually quite impressed with myself and my perseverance. Next time I'm feeling anxious I think I'll just reach for the rope.

Training?

2011-11-21T14:17:00.001-08:00

Apparently breakfast is as good a time as any to be reminded...
This girl is actually quite impressed that He could write so legibly on hashbrowns. :P

AFI - Okay, I Feel Better Now

2011-11-17T00:24:00.001-08:00

There is nothing to meThere is nothing though there was a timeI had felt elationBefore all sensation diedI cannot breatheI can't denyThat I've been feigning for youEvery vital signDefiedThis means nothing to meThis means nothing so spare me the liesI deny you sympathyJust as I have been denied(I cannot breathe)I cannot breathe (I cannot breathe)I can't denyThat I've been faking for youEvery sign of lifeI diedFor the last lieAnd the heartbreakFor the first timeI could not takeI could not takeTill I made you cryThis is what you taught meThis is what you taught and I learned wellTo recognize that feelingEasily can be dispelled(I cannot breathe)I cannot breathe (I cannot breathe)I can't denyThat I've been faking for youEvery sign of lifeI diedFor the last lieAnd the heartbreakFor the first timeI could not take(For the last lieAnd the heartbreakFor the first time)I could not takeTill I made youShow your wounds, I'm bored with mineNothing is newDon't despair, I rarely cryOh myOh, my dear, please dry your eyesWho could harm you?To hurt you is to be despisedAs I'd love toFor the last lieAnd the heartbreakFor the first timeI could not take(For the last lieAnd the heartbreakFor the first time)I could not takeTill I made you cryTill I made you cryTill I made you... cryOhTill I made you cry

† Longing in Pictures - Day 17 & 18 †

2011-11-16T23:37:00.001-08:00

Day 17

† "Third Avenue" †

Day 18

† "Calculus" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 16 †

2011-11-16T00:32:00.001-08:00

† "Domestic Servitude" †

Perhaps now someone can teach me how to cook.

† Longing in Pictures - Day 15 †

2011-11-14T23:22:00.001-08:00

† "Penance" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 14 †

2011-11-14T16:59:00.001-08:00

† "Vancouver Valentine" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 13 †

2011-11-14T16:54:00.001-08:00

† Untitled †

† Longing in Pictures - Day 12 †

2011-11-11T16:18:00.001-08:00

† "Love Like Autumn" †

† Longing in Pictures - Day 11 †

2011-11-10T19:43:00.001-08:00

† "Hibernating" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 10 †

2011-11-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

† "Artificial Warmth"†

*Black bird mug with hot chocolate and marshmallows. The closest thing I can get to being in bed with someone warm while I'm at work.

† Longing in Pictures - Day 9 - Intermission †

2011-11-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

I got nothing for today. Instead, here I am laying on the floor in my comfy old school pale pink granny nightie and my ivory fleece robe. You can't see it, but there is hot chocolate with marshmallows in there somewhere. For right now I am longing for nothing and I oddly feel content despite the writer's block and a slight feeling of loneliness. I would sure like to sleep next to someone tonight, but you know what, it wont kill me to sleep alone.

Sleep well.

The Rant of a Blocked Writer

2011-11-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure what governs my power to write. Is it the weather? My stress level? I'd really like to know so I could address this stupid situation and be done with it. Instead I struggle day in and day out to get some sort of cohearent sentance or structure down on paper or the computer. I try and write on my lunch hours at work to pass the time and to try and get a head start for the evening because I know I will face my brick wall again and again and again. At first I thought it was the medium, maybe I needed to get off of the computer and start to write on paper again. That idea failed as I ended up staring at paper. I've tried what feels like to be everything in my power to get away from the wall and get into that zone where I can type for hours but to no motherfucking avail. I feel like I'm torturing myself by continuing to try and write but if I am just content with not doing anything...what does that say about my preserverence?

So tonight I'm going to try something different. I'm going to pull myself out of my usual atmosphere and throw myself into a totally different situation and different surroundings. I'm going to place myself into a coffeeshop and try and be a cliche. Perhaps it is just a change of scenery that I need?

What I don't understand is here I am, writing this at work and quite frankly not having a problem at all. The words are flowing nicely even though my stream of consciousness could probably use a little more structure. But its working, that's my point. What is it about what I want to write about that makes the brick wall come up in full force? Am I confused about something? Am I avoiding something? What brain?? What the fuck is your problem? I'm pretty sure that yelling at myself is counter-productive, but at least it feels good.

You know what else would feel good? To write.

- D.

† Longing in Pictures - Day 8 †

2011-11-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

† "Patience Darling" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 7 †

2011-11-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

† "Acceptance and Obedience" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 6 †

2011-11-06T11:30:00.000-08:00

†

Blue Birds?

Blue Butterfly!

Don't Stop.

†

Untitled Haiku 1

2011-11-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

†

my tears are draining

grey skies mock melancholy

be my undoing

†

† Longing in Pictures - Day 5 †

2011-11-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

† "I Can be Your Lolita †

--this one is kinda blatant. I'm drunk. What do you expect? For you V.

† Longing In Pictures - Day 4 †

2011-11-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

† "Pet Me" †

† Longing In Pictures - Day 3 †

2011-11-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

† "Clean on the Outside" †

† Longing in Pictures - Day 2 †

2011-10-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

† "If you let me, I will worship you." †

† Longing in Pictures - Day 1 †

2011-10-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

† "Focus" †

2011-10-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

Like Children in the Dark

I resisted the urge to grab your hand and skip down the street with you;

we could laugh and swing our arms like children playing.

I'd let you pull me behind you, if I struggled to keep up and I'd smile

when the sound of your voice rang out and echoed with my name.

We are hypnotized by the streetlights reflected off of the black pools of concrete beneath our feet as

we watch the yellow lights guide our way through the city of our salvation.

Instead, I looked away and pretended that I couldn't feel the pull of your spirit.

You'd look at me, the way I wanted you to, the realization was

marked in our knowing smiles.

Your gaze pouring a tell tale blush across my cheeks and breasts as I dropped my gaze

and felt the warmth of your touch without a touch of your flesh.

A depth being found that I thought I had hidden away; that I was sure I had locked away.

You will know of me and of what is inside me at some moment when I least expect it.

Time wearing away, eroding the shell I have abandoned myself inside.

When my walls fall away, to crash down upon the winter ground and

to expose my skeletal frailty and the thin pink lines of the scars on my emotions.

Will you be the one that I expose it all to? The one that gets to see what others have failed to?

At night I curl up with my over analyzations and rationalizations.

I pro the cons and con myself into putting it all to rest and just going with it.

Taking my own advice and allowing the palm of your hand to touch the palm of mine.

To feel the warmth of you, of what I perceive of you to slowly seep inside me.

Through the frozen ground water mixed with the darkest sorrow and malcontent.

Past the fear that you won't want to grab my hand and pull me with you when I ask

if you want to laugh and play like children.

Fresh Girls...and other stories

2011-10-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

"They could have loved each other, measured out equal amounts of light and dark for each other, if she hadn't been on the verge of what she thought was death. If maybe, just once, she had not called him and made herself ugly by whispering I need you. Because though he is the one person who could live with her level of pain, he didn't choose to. I don't think he was contemptuous of her, exactly. It was only that once, just once, he would have liked to see her real smile, not the crazy butterflies that flitted around her mouth. He would have enjoyed that, I think. They could have built something together then, from that one smile."

From the short story, "Glass" by Evelyn Lau

Slave to Sadists

2011-10-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

My name is Disposable Darling, and I'm a masochist.

mas·och·ist /ˈmæsəkɪst/ [mas-uh-kist] noun

1.Psychiatry. a person who has masochism, the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.

2.a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.

3.a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

I really like the fact that the first definition is defined by Psychiatry. I'm already defined by the label of bi-polar so this new definition makes me laugh. This leads me to the conclusion that I am inherently crazy and so are the majority of the people I hang around with. Most of my friends these days are heavily involved in the kink community and I myself am heavily involved as well.

Underneath my clothes right now I'm sporting purple bruises and red raised welts. There are cane marks all over my thighs and single tail lashes on my back. There is an unidentified red mess on the right side of my ass. There are even marks around my neck and faint marks around my wrists where the leather cuffs bit into my flesh a little from being chained to the ceiling and struggling.

Last night was what I would classify as a good time. Being choked, slapped and having delicious pain inflicted upon me by someone that thoroughly enjoys watching suffering. It remains to be seen if he particularly likes to watch me suffer, I'll get back to you on that one. R. can be extremely sadistic and although we have only done a scene together twice he is by far one of my favorite sadists to play with. He's intuitive and has this knack for knowing just how much you can take without pushing you over the edge, well at least if you don't want to be pushed over that edge.

If you would have told me 5 or 6 years ago that one day I would enjoy being tied up and beaten, I would have laughed. Perhaps you would tell me that I would enjoy being humiliated or degraded and then I would have most certainly been "ROTFLMAO" as the saying goes. What changes a person? What turns that switch? Is there a switch? Have I known all along that I was a masochist? No, of course not, this discovery of the extent of my masochism is so new to me. I never would have thought that suffering would be a turn on.

I don't think that there really is a masochist that "enjoys" pain, because lets face it, its pain. No, there is something underlying that makes that discomfort bearable and cravable. My body responds to it. And while my mascara may be running because of the tears I'm crying and I may flinch before I'm hit don't mistake that for something that is unwanted. Inside there is a struggle to reconcile what I'm feeling to how my body is reacting. Yes, I'm starting to sweat and the lights dance before my eyes as his hand is around my throat. The stars swim at the edge of my vision and there is a heat that starts to flush all over my skin. I'm turned on and I am in pain. It is a delicious mix of something forbidden, and something that I cannot even begin to understand, nor, quite frankly, do I want to understand. I'm just going with it.

2011-09-20T12:53:00.001-07:00

The Mirrors Reflection or How I Survived 365 days

2011-09-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a year. Well a year and a couple of days by my calculations. I can't remember the exact date, nor do I want to really. Reflections. I'm not sure I can conjure up the strength to recapture the entire year, so I'm not going to try. Really, I'm here as a celebration, so to speak. I made it. I never thought I would make it. I've learned that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I remember all those nights where I just lay down on the floor and cried until I fell asleep. I remember feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest in some sort of bloody catastrophic mess. Held up and then stepped on. I remember all those nights when I wished I wouldn't wake up from sleep.

I remember throwing drugs and alcohol on top of it all and hoping that the acidity of such addictions would just eat right through it and make it go away. Perhaps I prolonged my suffering by doing it this way, or perhaps I eased my pain enough so that I didn't do the thing that he thought I would. Suicide. I loved you my darling, and while I cannot say in all honesty that the thought never crossed my mind, but I prefer to believe that my mental-chemical imbalances chose to show me that direction, and not my rational mind. All that is important, is that I didn't and I'm here.

Stronger than ever before? Possibly, but not guaranteed. The honest truth is that I learned something from the experience and that I experienced the experience. That is something that will never go away. That is something that will always stay with me, just like the love I felt for him will stay with me. It doesn't linger like an old flame that I wish to ignite again but it lingers with a knowing smile. "Yes, I loved you this intensely and yes with a ferocity that I never could have imagined possible. But no, I am not in love with you and no, I do not love you anymore."

The saddest part is that he was an amazing person, but we are not friends. Yes, we are friends in the social world of online networking but there is nothing there. There are no comments and there are no messages. It is void of any sense of friendship that we once had. It saddens me, but I know that sometimes, that is how people deal with everything, and I'm okay with that.

So here I am. I have risen from the ashes and I am a new person. I'm stable and strong and I don't need to depend on anyone for anything. I am self-sufficient. I can order a pizza over the phone and travel to "foreign" countries on a whim. I don't abuse alcohol and the only drugs I take for the most part are the ones that are prescribed for me. [Restricted didn't count!] I workout to some degree everyday. I eat healthy and mostly organic. I take care of my mind by reading books that are there to help me. I deal with each and every emotion as it comes up and in a healthy way. I cultivate friendships that are important to me, and I discard the ones that drain me emotionally. I have a new attitude towards sex and I have such a deeper understanding of certain aspects of my sexuality that I only caught mere glimpses of before.

I am a whole person, I don't need anyone else to complete me.

I'm not sure how many years it has taken me to utter those words. Ten, fifteen, maybe more. All I do know, is that those words are the most precious words to come out of my mouth since the first thing I ever said as a baby. They are pure and with an intent so intense that they don't ever have to be uttered again because words like that stick with you, just like who you are can never go away. We can run from ourselves, or like me, towards ourselves. The latter certainly has brought about greater purpose and happiness to me, albeit with a few growing pains along the way.

With Love,

- Gennifer.

2011-09-03T02:41:00.001-07:00

Last night I cried in my sleep. I woke to wracking sobs and warm tears falling down my cheeks to pool in the hollow of my neck. I can remember the last person I cried for while sleeping, which makes this instance perplexing and very scary. Emotions, even when sleeping, run deep.

2011-08-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Could I kiss those scarlet lips of yours
and taste the winter
When I shed my December skin"

--Lightbringer, Covenant.

This is for me more than you.

2011-08-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

Monday Aug. 23
Breakfast - Americano
Lunch - Kashi Pumpkin Spice Granola bar, 1 cup Chobani Greek yogurt [0fat, high protein], 1 cheese string.
Dinner - unbreaded Cod fillet with garlic and lime, 1 cup garlic mashed potatoes, tomatoe and cuke salad with feta and balsamic vinegar.
Dessert - 1 medium peach, sliced.
Exercise - Walk to and from bus stop and walk from QFC to home - 1.8 miles
Water - 64oz

Tuesday Aug. 24
Breakfast - 1 cup Kashi go lean cereal with 1/2 cup. silk vanilla soy milk
Pre-lunch snack - 1 1/2 cup green grapes
Lunch - Kashi pumpkin spice granola bar, 1 cup Oikos greek yogurt [0fat, high protein], 1 cheese string
Dinner - 4 oz lean steak, 1 cup green beans sauteed in garlic and 1/2 tsp of butter, garlic mashed potatoes
Dessert - 1/4 medium cantelope
Exercise - walk to bus stop - 0.7miles - walk home from work - 1.4 = 2.1miles

2011-08-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am a Motherfucking Tragedy.

14 Minutes

2011-08-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have fourteen minutes to dump everything that is in my head. I want to start my afternoon feeling fresh and not like I have a billion things crammed into my head. You don't have to read this, just so you know. I mean I don't think that there will be anything here that will pertain to you. I wish I wasn't at work and I wish I wasn't in Seattle. Coming back to my tiny studio apartment last night was really the last thing that I needed or wanted for that matter. Why can't I stay in Vancouver, why can't I stay where I feel I belong? There really isn't an answer to that question. I could move back tomorrow if I really wanted to, but I wouldn't be doing it in a way that would be beneficial to me. I would be jobless and homeless and it isn't exactly the way I want to start out my so-called new life back home.
I get so lonely sometimes that I think I could die from it. I don't mind spending time by myself because I can certainly get along being alone, but sometimes it would be nice to come home to someone or have someone come home to me. To cook meals for more than just one person. To be held as I fall asleep to wake up to a kiss on my forehead. Instead I shuffle around to and from work, to social engagements. I do chores and I watch movies, by myself. Even when I am out and about and with others I still feel an empty feeling. This feeling really needs to go away. So here I am , looking at the factors that contribute to this, and to fix them. To be happy being me, by myself and to be thankful for the life that I do have. I want to have some sort of contentment with solitude.
I'm going to start running today. I'm going to put on my sneakers and my yoga pants and I'm going to run this evening. Run along Elliot and then run along 15th. Run until I can't run anymore and then, when I'm out of breath, push myself just a little bit extra. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time an I feel so amazing after I exercise so it is time to start doing it on a regular basis. How does one do that? Really? I'm not sure, but I bet I can figure it out along the way and I'm sure I can find someone that can help me out.

Okay, I have 5 minutes and I'm going to use that 5 minutes left of my lunch hour to get some water and close my eyes for a few. If you made it this far, I applaud you.

- G.

#8 - My Beliefs [or lack thereof]

2011-08-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

My Beliefs

I don't believe in god.

I don't believe in organized religion.

I believe in being a good person. Not because you're going to get a reward in the afterlife, but because you genuinely care about your fellow human beings.

I don't believe in karma, I do believe that some of us will just go through life suffering more than others.

I believe that life is random. That being somewhere at the wrong time is just the way that it goes. Being somewhere at the right time is the way it goes as well.

I believe that society as a whole will steadily get worse and worse until there is nothing but anarchy.

I believe that there are greater emotions that exist other than love but because society puts so much emphasis on so-called norms, we can't focus on anything but the old adage, "You're not somebody until somebody loves you." [Perhaps adage is the wrong word here, as adage pertains to transmitting wisdom and this saying is anything but wise.]

I do believe in love and I do believe that love can conquer many things but first we have to conquer them ourselves.

I believe that we should all be free to believe whatever we want without others putting us down or trying to push on us things that we have already dismissed as, at least to us, un-believable.

PS - Go up and click the title of this post, just do it alright?

#7 - A Moment [or two!]

2011-08-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

There are two moments that come to mind when I think of "a moment." The first is that moment when I finally stopped hurting. When the pain of a broken heart just vanishes into a puff of smoke and you're free to live your life again. That moment when you no longer feel like you're dragging around a thousand emotions and the weight of the world. It's this moment that I think about often and that I secretly wish that I will never feel again. Sadly, I know it will not be so. I will feel the pain of heartbreak again, I will just be better prepared for when it does happen.

A second moment that I have been carrying around with me for the past month was the view from V's penthouse condo in Vancouver. I swear my jaw must have dropped to the floor and stayed there for 10 minutes. I have never, ever seen a view like that before. I've been up and down the sea to sky highway and on top of tall buildings, but it was nothing like this one. I think the reason that it was special was because it was personal. At that moment, that view of the city lights and the dark inky sky was just mine. No one else could see it and no one else could have it. And after that moment, I put it away inside my heart. Perhaps that was the catalyst for my healing and perhaps that is why I feel so light these days. Finding something, even something someone had no idea that they gave to you and making it your own. So thanks V. -- even though you will never see this -- for giving me something that you didn't even know you could give. My city, my heart.

2011-08-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

What do you mean I have to wait six more days? But I want to be in Vancouver this weekend too...

Go Fuck Yourself

2011-08-08T00:07:00.001-07:00

There is no god. If there was, he wouldn't let an 18 year old die.

If anything, this tragedy has reaffirmed my un-belief and my total lack of faith in some sort of higher power.

Agnostic is not a strong enough word for me. Atheist is what I will always be.

I Believe This Is The End, Beloved.

2011-07-27T15:43:00.001-07:00

Open

What we had was nothing short of magnificent. I can look back now at all the time we spent together and no longer feel the regret of being in your arms. My regret born out of the intensity of pain and perceived helplessness. I have lost it somewhere behind me and I am thankful to be moving on. I can look back on it and marvel at what you made me feel and what you helped me achieve. The good times, the bad ones and all of those ones inbetween. Two years of love and laughter. Two years of happiness. How lucky I am to have ever been through so much with you. To hear your voice call my name, to hear your voice proclaim your love. My heart yearns to find that again, to feel that intensity. I am not longer afraid of opening my heart.

I hope that one day you find her, that one that's meant to be. No longer do I feel the pain, of her not being me.

Goodbye Social Life!

2011-07-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like I'm doing it. I've gotten myself a part-time job in the evenings. It doesn't pay nowhere near what I make now, but it should help me save about $800 - $1,000 a month. Yay!!

† Vancouver Valentine †

2011-07-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I've almost completed my 4th issue of my zine Ava Dementia. I've called this issue, Vancouver Valentine because of the Vancouver imagery and well, I've fallen in love with the city again. Full of poetry and some random stuff thrown in there as well. 16 pages half-sized.

I'd like to offer my blog readers a free copy if they send me their address. Please email me at:

gennifer dot holland at gmail dot com

and let me know that you saw this post.

- G.

Spring

2011-07-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Spring

It was staring straight at me.
It was real and alive for that moment
The scene,
the view inside my heart
…realized
Sparkling city lights,
punctuated by stars
and you brought me to it
like you could see it within me.
You made it come to life.

I could have stood on that ledge forever.
Watching, waiting.
Day turn to night,
and night back to day.
Standing and waiting.
Summer's Lust to Autumn's Bliss.
Perhaps the frozen touch of Winter's Kiss.

You found my heart's true love
and I bet you didn't even know it.
How precious that moment was,
or the relief that it gave me.
Just what I needed to feel again.
Started my heart beating again.

So Long, Farewell.

2011-07-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

If you've been around me at all in the past month or so, you'll have noticed that I have been taking more frequent visits to Vancouver. I've been scouting it out so to speak because I am/was toying around with the idea of moving back.

I have decided that I want to be back in Vancouver by October of 2012. This wasn't an easy decision but one that I hope many of you will support. I am torn between two equally wonderful worlds.

Seattle was the world I escaped to. I married young and when that didn't work out, I chose to stay because of my job and later a wonderful man. Well I'm single and my job has become stagnant. Even though I continually am promoted and receive regular raises I don't feel like I am moving up fast enough for my liking. I have and will continue to have so many wonderful friends that have become like family to me. People that have helped me so much in my life in so many ways. My heart aches for leaving them, and I wish I could bring you all with me. My parents aren't getting any younger and I want to be close to them even though we are in two provinces.

The city that I made my home for the past 7 years is not the one that I wish to continue living in. I believe that I have gone as far as I can here, and I'm ready to conquer Vancover once again. I'm ready to close this book of my life here in Seattle and start a new one in Vancouver. It hurts me terribly to be at the end of this book, but it has a happy ending.

Vancouver will always hold my heart wherever I go. It is this hold on me that pulls my strings and pulls me up north. It is the promise of something different and something unique. I will return to my "home and native land" a changed person. A woman that has had so many wonderful experiences and has learned lesson after lesson about who she is, and how she works. Seattle was my catalyst but I must always go forward and to follow my heart.

I love you all so much.

Now no sad faces. Things happen and minds change and obstacles are always put in our way. A year is a long time and one that I am determined to make the most out of. Won't you help me make the most of it?

As I sit here, tears roll down my cheeks, but there is a smile across my face. My decision is the definition of bittersweet.

~ G.

For D.

2011-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

Arms
by Christina Perri

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

2011-06-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Omar's Coming

Empath

2011-06-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't find my post secrets on my Livejournal. The feed skipped it. I found them though. And this one made me cry more than it should have.

It's like truth and fantasy all rolled into one. You don't know what to believe and then you do. You want to be truthful, but sometimes I would rather you lied.

I'm still not sure how I feel...how I feel about you.

This Home Sweet Home

2011-06-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ever since the end of the Stanley Cup finals and then after watching the end of the riots that damaged my hometown, I am been struck with such an empty feeling and the feeling that my heart has shattered. Watching the fires and the looting and the destruction really made me realize just how much I not only love Vancouver, but how much I miss it.

I used to joke that there were only two things keeping me in Seattle. My beloved, and my job. Well my beloved and I haven't been together in almost 10 months and my job is starting to fade into this mundane existance that I no longer enjoy as much as I used to. I miss the beauty of Vancouver and I miss my friends back home and believe it or not, I miss that part of my family that does live there. I miss being a Canadian in a country of Canadians and I miss the genuine togetherness that I feel when I am up there.

My impromptu trip up to Vancouver this weekend was a combination of a few things. First of all, I feel like my sanity is quickly slipping away from me. I feel like I don't have solid ground to stand on and that I'm screaming and no one even looks in my direction. I feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions. Even though I know that being back in Vancouver will no doubtedly open the floodgates of my emotions and feelings, perhaps this is all needed. Maybe I need to purge it all. In the least, I want to reconnect with my hometown and all the people that I hold dear. I'm also going to Vancouver to check out the job market.

I'm bracing myself for that moment when the car is across the border and I take a breath of air that is Canadian. Although there might be no difference to you, my lungs know the difference and my heart will tell me I am home. I just hope that I can hold it together for the sake of K. who is driving me. No doubtedly the tears will fall when I am back in my homeland. It isn't so far away, but my spirit and my heart feels its distance when I am gone.

So home I go.

Vancouver, my dear.

The streets I shall roam,

with eyes full of tears.

A smile I shall save.

For when I depart.

Vancouver, my dear.

Always in my heart.

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #6 - Your Day [or how I drag it off topic]

2011-06-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

My day started like all work days started before it. The alarm goes off and I press snooze. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning sometimes. It is especially hard when I barely get any sleep the night before be it from my own doing or just my body deciding that it doesn't want to go to sleep.

I got up and got ready to go to work. This entails straightening my hair, washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting on three pounds of make-up and five pounds of black clothing. Today I wore my favorite work skirt, a black blouse and a pair of knee socks with a purple and pink argyle design.

I try to leave the house by eight-twenty so I have enough time to stop and get a cup of coffee. I always listen to my iPod on the way in and try not to start dancing in the middle of the sidewalk. Sometimes I don't feel like walking all the way to work, so I'll just have a smoke and walk up to Bell street to catch the bus to take me the rest of the way. I always go to the Starbucks in Benaroya Hall and they always write my name on the cup. This morning I had a Grande Americano.

When I got to work I promptly spilled half of my Americano down my blouse. Needless to say, I smell like coffee. Then I worked until my lunch hour and I then went out and got some sushi…

FUCK! This really is a boring subject isn't it? Tonight I'm headed off to the bar with some friends to watch game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals. Vancouv-ah Canucks versus the Boston Bruins. Strangely I really enjoy watching hockey now because it isn't forced upon me like it was in that other lifetime. I'll never be into it, into it, but I most certainly will be a typical Vancouver fan…you know, jump on that bandwagon. *lol* I'm having fun learning more about the game, or should I say, remembering more about the game. It helps to be at a bar with a cold beer and some good friends. :)

The rest of my day will be kept busy with housework and other random things. Perhaps I'll just go to bed early for once…nah!

GO!! CANUCKS GO!!

Reflections on a Sunday

2011-05-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

The ice is starting to thaw and perhaps the Winter that took over my body and more specifically my heart is turning to the Spring. It's hard to admit that to myself and harder to admit out in the open.

Yesterday felt like a Sunday because of the holiday and I decided to have a "reality check." I watched some of my favorite movies that make me feel. Those movies that make my heart hurt and my eyes water with both frustration and this intense desireto feel something internally. I have quite a few movies that I tend to watch to make this happen, and you may decide to laugh at me for my choices and although I feel no desire and no need to defend my choices, I would like to talk about them.

The Sex and the City movie. If you haven't actually seen this movie and just think that it’s the normal dibble that the TV show spouted, then you can just move on and skip this part. I don't really want to give a whole plot synopsis, but basically John jilts Carrie at the altar. After all that they had been through together throughout the original series it was really nice to get the "happily ever after" ending at the conclusion of the final season on TV and through the beginning of the movie you see just how happy they are together after going through all of that hurt and heartache. For actors they really have some amazing chemistry and made me believe in the relationship that was John and Carrie. When Carrie and company arrive late to the library where the wedding is taking place, there is this amazing scene where she is told that John isn't there yet. A look crosses Carrie's face and although you know what is going to happen next, you cross your fingers that it doesn't. When a phone call to Mr. Big yields the information that no, her groom is not coming, I can feel her devastation. The rest of the movie pulls out all of my sympathy and places it on Carrie as she does her best to move on with her life although you know that John is never too far from her mind. The heartbreak feels so real to me and it reminds me of my own devastation. [of course said movie has a happy ending and if it weren't for the fact that Carrie and Big get back together and get married I probably wouldn't watch this movie at all]

However, movies are movies and I can't help but wonder what percentage of the population actually does get back together after a break up? Perhaps I need to put some research into this.

I'm very much surprised that I haven't died of a heart attack. That feeling one gets when the news is bad. That pain, piercing and tormented emotion that flows through me is unbearable. You can't breathe and maybe you have to throw up. One minute you're fine and the next you are in absolute hysterics. Having someone to catch you when you fall is probably the most important thing in life. Unless of course you like hitting the ground and becoming a bloody mess. A word from the wise, we don't bounce as easily as you think.

The second movie I watched is Moulin Rouge. I like this movie because of the music and the costumes and well, Christian and Satine. Love doomed from the beginning, but love they faithfully pursued despite the obstacles of Ziedler and that motherfucker Patron. [I can't remember his name at the moment.] Then there are the supporters of their love that want it see it succeed and offer the couple any sort of help that they can to see them through. Satine's life of course, is dependant on the Moulin Rouge, which of course the deed is now in the hands of the Patron so she is pulled every which way that she can be pulled. Fighting for her life as her career and life as Christian, her life as love, and maybe most importantly, her life as life. Satine suffers from Tuberculosis and her days are pretty much numbered which makes her decisions as to what she does even that more important. Does she live for love?

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. ~ Eden Ahbez

It's all so beautiful, it really is. Seeing it in movies and all around me.

It makes my heart ache, but at least it is alive. Thaw quickly my heart, to love is to thrive.

It's Closed, Like Me.

2011-05-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

Near You Always
Jewel

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #5 - Your Definition of Love

2011-05-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

Love

First of all, if you haven't gone back and read what I wrote about love oh a couple of posts down, do so. I'll wait.

My Definition of love is neither simple nor complex in that it is both at the same time.

"Is simplicity best? Or simply the easiest? The narrowest paths, are also the holiest." [Thank you Depeche Mode]

I'm not sure if I believe in love anymore. I know that black thing within my chest does and there are days when she is ruthless and unsatisfied with the course of action I have set out for us. I digress.

Love is that all encompassing feeling of being home. Love is about always thinking of the other person, even when they are not around. Looking at books and seeing their face reflected in the cover. Perhaps you watch a movie and see their name in the credits. It's upfront and realistic, yet it is a dream. It's romance, circumstance and happenstance.

Love is something that I wish I could ignore and live without. It's something that I wished I never felt and could banish from ever falling prey to feeling again. It's a delight to watch in others, but such a torture to feel in myself.

Love is pain and pain is love and Billy Corgan says Love is Suicide.

My definition of love, I'm sure, isn't a popular one, but right now, its one that I need. Failing to feel and banishing those emotions to the inner most place inside me. Hopefully, I'll forget where I put it.

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #4 - What You Ate Today

2011-05-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well this certainly is an interesting topic and one that perhaps will get me to think twice before I eat something.

For breakfast I had a grande Americano with two extra shots of espresso from Starbucks to try and kickstart my day. I stayed up SUPER late chatting on the phone and while it was hard enough to get out of bed, it was even harder to try and convince myself to go to work. When I got into work I toasted an english muffin and put some peanut butter on it. [strangely, I have a jar of peanut butter in my desk.]

I did manage to get thirty minutes of a lunch in today and settled for cafeteria food so I didn't have to go too far. I had a green salad and a bowl of split pea soup. Once again, not terribly exciting.

About a half an hour ago one of the paralegals in my department dropped off a slice of chocolate cake. It was gooey and sweet and oh so yummy. I fell in love with it. Too bad I ate it before I could ask it to move in.

I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner yet, I'm sure I can find something in the back of my cupboards to eat. Perhaps I'll find something tasty in the freezer. Most likely I will either go out and get something to eat or pick up something on my way home from work.

This was by far the most boring blog post I have ever done. Cheers if you made it this far!

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #3 - Your Parents

2011-05-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

My parents are two vastly different people that had two vastly different children. I'm not sure if I really want to talk about my parents on an open forum such as this.

My parents separated when I was eleven and I hate to say it, I've felt like I've been on my own since then. I have to give my mom a lot of credit for raising me and my sister on her own though. I can't imagine what it was like to put up with me in my teen years. I suppose if I could go back, I'd take out all those times I tried/threatened to kill myself. I can't imagine the kind of stress that I put on her by doing that. I wasn't a horrible kid, but I wasn't the greatest either. I'm still not sure to this day if she ever knew about the drug use and the drinking. Regardless, she was and is a wonderful and strong woman who has dealt with a lot in her life lately. I feel very fortunate that I can be there for her and although there are many miles between us, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find her.

I'm not sure if I really want to talk about my father at this time. I love him and I'm pretty sure he still loves me, despite everything.

Did You Know...

2011-04-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

I hide links within the titles. If you click on the title you will be taken elsewhere. Usually its relevant, but like this one, sometimes it isn't.

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #2 - First Love

2011-04-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

My first love was Penguins. Yes, you read that right. I collected, read about and adored all types of penguins when I was younger. Perhaps this is where my love of birds came from.

I'm sure I could continue on about the first man I loved, or the first woman but I do not wish to do that. I'd like to think that I love everyone like they were my first.

Hate

2011-04-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

Down the Barrel of a Gun

2011-04-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Days like these are few and far between now.

Today my heart hurts.

Hold Hostage, My Heart

2011-04-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

I feel sick to my stomach and I am way off balance.
I'm allowing things said to me by an unmedicated person,
effect my feelings of self-worth.

Am I really mean?
Do I manipulate?

Or is my only sin and guilt the one that
comes from telling the truth?
For not wanting to hurt someone that
is genuine,
but who obviously needs help.

My heart breaks because I saw so much potential.
Yes, I have a heart.
She may be black and cruel and locked away,
but she beats.

"Fragments of joy torn apart.
A freshly drained heart that beats
disguise themselves through him.
He’ll say that it’s nothing new,
and swear this is true.
For you, I’ll swallow the ocean"

- "On the Arrow" - AFI

The Truth Revealed

2011-04-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a piece of jewelry that had my name on it...this would be it.

...and the description?

† A pergola of desire enshrining the fate of a broken dream †

Seven Sorrows - For Chapter

2011-04-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

"Yet do you find as I do that it foremost serves as a reminder of what you've had and lost?"
The million dollar question. A question that I can no longer ignore.

A reminder is something non-descript. You write them to yourself in order to remember things that you shouldn't forget. Milk, bread, eggs, to pay the phone bill or turn off the heat when you go to bed. A reminder of plain and simple things. There is little or no emotion tied to simple reminders. I have a meeting this afternoon and the reminder pops up on my Outlook. Perhaps dread comes to mind, small emotion compared to these, "reminders."

Seeing love and happiness around you is a wonderful thing. I had a dear friend of mine that just got engaged. I've watched her struggle through that whole dating game with some not so great results. I've seen her struggle with a selfish, manipulative asshole that took advantage of her wonderful kindness. The look on her face now when she is around her fiancé, or when she talks about him is priceless. It's a miracle and testament of the human spirit to see this.

I have another friend. She has been with her beau for close to or over two years now. She found something in him and that something makes her very happy. The still cuddle and kiss when they are out at the club, and when they think that no one is looking you can really see and feel the love between them. It is a beautiful and graceful dance that they share.

They are both wonderful human beings that share their talents and affection with the world around them and even share with me their strengths and values even though they may not know it. I cannot think of two more genuine people that deserve to find that all encompassing and devoted love… alas there is that part of me that wishes to god that it would go away. That does not begrudge the happiness of the world and of her friends but for fucks sake it reminds me of how alone I am. I want to tear out my hair and scream at the top of my lungs that this happiness should be banished to the depths of the ocean so that I do not have to be subjected to it. A "reminder" of just how alone I am, and will be…

A reminder, not what this is. Being reminded of how wonderful love can be is a nightmare. So I shall not call this "bliss" a reminder, but a torment. For that is what it is. I am tormented by the mistakes of the past that I cannot seem to undo. I am tormented every day by looking in the mirror and seeing who and what I have become, and how you, or him, or her will never experience it, because you will never be able to see past my damnation. How I push down the love I ever felt for anyone until I can close it up and tell it to go away.

Lord Alfred Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Lord Tennyson I beg to differ. This torment is one I deal with daily, still. The hurt, pain and all that may have vanished, but pink ribbon scars remain. I look at them every day through the eyes of the people walking down the street holding hands, or stealing kisses on the corner. They are my friends which are floating in the clouds and soaring. This I do not begrudge. The fact that it is a painful reminder of what I have lost, is. It is something that I can't ignore and because of this fact, that I cannot claim ignorance, is my complete basis for telling Lord Tennyson that he's absolutely full of shit. The pain may go away, but that perfect torment will not.

** I have to stop and mention right now that my purpose in writing this is not to get any behaviour modification out of anyone that is involved in a relationship, surely not within my circle of friends. Your love is my love and if I cannot feel it, but my own volition, then be a conduit for me. That I may feel that wonder that you feel. **

No matter what I do, it always comes back. My heart, my beloved, my love, my loyalty. She surfaces and floats upon the water while I swim to catch up and ultimately drown within my own sorrow. I catch her every once in a great while and bind her tight to the inside of my chest. Black ribbons tying up a renegade? I do not have control over her all the time, but when I do, she will not stray from within the box I put her in, far away from the sunshine. Our relationship is bittersweet. I manage to get her broken time and time again. She mends herself with big bold stitches that I swear I cannot break ever again and ones that she swears she can never replicate. Hearts are like porcelain, at least mine is. Disintegrated and dusty are the remains. My only wish is to blow away the fragments, so that they can never be put back together. So I cannot feel again.

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #1 - Introduce Yourself

2011-03-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

My name is Gennifer Holland, but I'm pretty sure that you've already gathered that. I'm a twenty-nine year old Canadian female that has been living in the United States - Seattle specifically - for the past 7 years. I'm from Vancouver BC originally, and I miss home. Home is the place that I used to know, but now it seems so far away. I don't get up to visit nearly as much as I'd like and instead find myself cultivating quite the life down here.

I still live in Seattle even after my marriage ended because of my job. I'm a legal secretary for the largest law firm in the Pacific Northwest. It's an amazing job and it has opened up so many doors to further my career. I've been given opportunities here in Seattle that I wouldn't have been able to receive back home with my lack of post-secondary education. My "job" - although at this point I believe is a career - is really important to me. It has gotten me out of a lifetime of foodservice and retail jobs and actually into something that I enjoy and can see myself moving forward in. There is even a part of me that contemplates going to college and then eventually on into law school. Then there is the other part of me that cannot see myself giving up my social life to go to school.

I was recently crowned Ms. Gothic Seattle 2011 and I have to say that although it is a cheesy title, I worked hard to get it and I'm going to work hard to get back into the first floor of the Goth Scene here in Seattle. I miss promoting, putting on events and DJing. I miss running around trying to get an event off the ground and then sitting back and watching it succeed.

**flashback moment**

Myself and DJ Casperella cramming all our DJ gear into a cab to get down to the skytrain so we can get downtown to "Lick" for our weekly gig called "Shift." The concept of Shift was to shift away from what we would normally do. Goth/Industrial/EBM. We mixed it up with a lot of rock and popular dance music at the time. The DJ booth at the club was up this huge ladder to the top of the ceiling. You couldn't wear your hair big back then because the booth was so small. The monitor's didn't work very well and I remember playing something that sounded just horrid on the floor. I want to say that my first experience of dead air happened at that club. Oh Lick with your 20 foot ceilings and faux French design. I miss it, I miss having my own night and rushing along Vancouver city streets in the rain and darkness to get to something that helped keep me alive.

**end moment**

I live to experience pleasure in almost everything I do and I live for those experiences that make my heart soar. To do those things that you know you will remember for the rest of your life. To live like there is no tomorrow and to be content with your life if you knew that today was your last.

I'm decadence and debauchery. I'm living sin, and sin living in me. I'm about doing everything I want to do and not looking back. Treating you with the respect that you deserve and hope that you'll return the favor. Of not living with regrets and taking each and every moment as it comes. Sometimes we have to do things that we are not proud of, but I refuse to feel guilty for things that I didn't destroy. Two to tango, two to fight, two to fuck. It's all relative.

I am exactly who I want to be at this point in my life. I'm lucky to know you, but you know what, you're lucky to know me as well.

I think I sufficiently introduced myself.

Love to you all.

Nostalgia

2011-03-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

My City, My Heart.

The city lights sparkle off of the wet streets.

My hands are full.

Heavy gear,

but a light heart.

It may look cute to carry it all this way,

but damn if it isn't awkward.

I don't care though,

as I dislodge a ribbon from my hair,

that has stuck to my black lip gloss.

My eyes now sparkle with crystalline tears of joy.

A song in my heart proclaims and sings my happiness.

I am at the center of the world

in which I want to be.

With less dramatics

and more romantics.

I am a sight to see,

as I turn the corner and fall into

the sweet smoky darkness

that will forever be my home.

When the Heart Guides the Hand

2011-03-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

My days tend to go back and forth lately. Some days I believe I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I am all about. Other days I feel totally adrift in a sea full of uncertainty. I've kept my emotions seriously in check and aside from my sense of humour, I try to keep my cards close to my chest. I don't want to feel that searing pain of rejection again, nor the endless aftershock of emotions that tend to follow. I've cultivated this little drama free life that I'm proud of, and that I try to maintain with a sense of fairness and integrity.

My heart has healed and the emotional pain is gone...finally. There isn't a time that I look back without feeling a twinge of that sweet sadness that accompanies the thoughts of those years, but it doesn't pull me down to my knees anymore and force tears from my eyes. My heart is content at the outcome and although she is once again locked up tight from the light of the world, she still beats with fierce loyalty and passion for those that she adores. There is love contained inside me, but I choose to give it to those who I call my family, all of those people that picked me back up after I fell so many times. There is knowing smile that allows me to discern that there are days when I will be open to all the possibilities that love and affection have to offer, but for now I choose to surround myself in good company, and focus on all those things that life has to offer that envelopes the ideals and dreams that I have.

So many wonderful things are happening to the people around me that it sincerely fills my heart to bursting. To see those that perhaps have been unlucky in the realm of love to find it in such a short time. The brievity of courtship does not tarnish the shine of true feelings and certainly does not make them any the less valid than those that find it over time. So find it, hold on to it and cherish it for what it is, and what it will become. Do not shy away from any feelings that your heart may say and embrace the heart that feels the pure love that it is meant to feel. It is for you that MY heart sings at such a lovely sight. It is MY eyes that weep when I see that smile across your face when he kisses you. You deserve no less than this perfection that I am so honoured to witness. I love you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

† Dear Gennifer-

You are loved, although you may not know it. †

Untitled #9

I stretch out like a cat stealing sunshine warmth from the livingroom carpet.

I point my toes.

Left,

then right.

Left,

then right.

I open up my mouth to let out another escapee.

Yawn.

Thoughts dangle in front of my eyes.

I squint to blur the light and to

deform the words.

"Happiness" becomes

"Content" and "Smile"

becomes "Please."

My heart beats lightly underneath

all the fallen pictures.

From head to heart

and back again.

Floating on my sunshine carpet.

My inner feline speaks...

Simplicity or duplicity?

Genesis

2011-03-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

So it all begins again. This past Friday I was crowned, Ms. Gothic Seattle 2011. As silly as this sounds, it was the culmination of a lot of hard work. Growing, being, acceptance. I don't know who I was a year ago, or why she came to manifest herself in me. I'm not sure how I managed to purge myself of behaviours, unbecoming, but I did.

I'm looking forward to spending the next year of my "reign" helping to make the Seattle Gothic Community even better than it is. To get back to things I miss, like promoting and putting on events. Getting involved and getting myself out there is my long term goal and one I believe I will be successful in.

I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. Bringing memories to the surface and analyzing the feelings I have left. There are still some movies that I cannot watch and some places where I dare not tread, but for the most part, my heart has healed. I keep her locked up tight, so that no one can get to her save my family and friends. Life is easier that way, and perhaps at some point I shall unlock the door and allow her to roam free. My spirit is content for the moment, but there are times where I feel myself wandering, and feel a not quite jealousy for what others have that I do not. I try to remember that this is my choosing, and that happiness is something that we all deserve. My jealousy fades quite quickly, when I remember how happy I want you to be.

And so it all begins again. My intent to blog more and to get everything documented. I have a book in the works and I daresay that my blog will make it easier to write it. Spring is coming and with it a renewal. The layers peel back and I can see how shiny everything is. How I'm new again but knowing all that I have learned from silly mistakes and heartbreak. Repentance and forgiveness. Beauty in my darkness.

Beginning...

2011-02-28T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way back now, I'd like you to come with me. I would like to take you with me. Stay tuned.

Untitled

2010-12-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

So here I am.
No longer dressed in black.
But for tonight,
nothing will work,
but white.

2010-12-02T08:18:00.001-08:00

Really? You've got to be kidding me.

2010-11-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

What exactly are the limits of the human spirit?

I have no title for this....it was me thinking outloud but online.

2010-11-24T22:58:00.001-08:00

Old habits die hard...

...but new habits quickly take their place!

take THAT destructive behaviour!

Cold, Cold Heart

2010-11-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

Ode to Winter, My Love

From this height, I can see everything you've spread across the city.

I see bright lights twinkling through white flakes dusting by.

You give me that feeling in my heart, of love, of beauty.

Your beauty.

You surround me as I walk, stroll across the depths of you.

No one can see it save the scarf embracing my lips, a smile.

I take my time, even though your adversary chills me.

Looking in the eyes of those who pass me, desolation.

Why is everyone so scared of you?

Every year you come a different way and make me beg for your touch.

I surround myself in layers to prevent you from taking me too fast.

Throughout it all a part of me is fulfilled, a part of me is left in limbo.

The days pass by and I am drowning in your presence, your touch.

You follow me, press against me while I sleep.

The emptiness, the longing are my constant companions.

My skin has now turned blue, matching the inside.

My tears frozen solid.

Cracking, I blow away.

Sometimes You Can Only talk to yourself...

2010-11-21T00:22:00.000-08:00

†

Crash and burn
All the stars explode tonight
How'd you get so desperate?
How'd you stay alive?
Help me please
Burn the sorrow from your eyes
Oh, come on be alive again
Don't lay down and die

†

Hey, hey
You know what to do
Oh, baby, drive away to Malibu

†

Get well soon
Please don't go any higher
How are you so burnt when
You're barely on fire?
Cry to the angels
I'm gonna rescue you
I'm gonna set you free tonight, baby
Pour over me

†

Hey, hey
We're all watching you
Oh, baby, fly away to Malibu
Cry to the angels
And let them swallow you
Go and part the sea, yeah, in Malibu

†

And the sun goes down
I watch you slip away
And the sun goes down
I walk into the waves
And the sun goes down
I watch you slip away
And I walk

†

And I know love will tear you apart
Oh and I know the darkest secret of your heart

†

Hey, hey
I'm gonna follow you
Oh baby, fly away, yeah
To Malibu
Oceans of angels, oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you drown your scars

†

I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

†

Oh the Clarity.

2010-11-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

I just started writing. How I was feeling and it came pouring out. The good with the bad. The bad staring starkly at me...

"Seeing the error of your ways written out in your own handwriting is a sick fucking thing."

For me, not doing anything about them is even fucking sicker.

I was once another girl...

2010-11-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

I like how crappy nights turn happy with just one stop at the bookstore.

All dressed up, I'm getting strange looks from this short asian guy who is staring at my four-inch-patent-leather-platform-boots. Sitting on my heels in the science fiction section of half-price books trying to remember to remember to start carrying that important piece of paper around with me. that piece of paper, lists of all the books I need to find.

The bad music from Cafe Metropolitain gave me a headache and the lights in half-price books is not making it any better. My arms full:

A Wizard of Earthsea - Ursula Le Guin
Dzur - Steven Brust
The Word for World is Forest - Ursula Le Guin
Issola - Steven Brust

I pause to fix the laces on one of my boots. Stack the beauty before me and as I look up ever so slightly to my eleven:

Mouse Guard Comic

*grab*

*stand*

*dance*

Headache magically gone and I'm on my way home for belly time.

Livre du jour avec des poulets

2010-11-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

"He loved how they all bunched up like a fluffy tide, and all went this way or that way."

- Florian, Cyteen by CJ Cherryh, Chapter 5

Winter Can be Warm

2010-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Here's the cute little tea box with the cuddly lemur. Below is my Cardinal Cup with some tastiness brewing. Perfect for thawing me out after my trip to the pet store.

p.s. your link today is what I looked like while waiting for the bus in the cold. not a happy birdie.

Queen in Exile [when you hit the link you need to scroll a bit to find the reference - I made it a little harder for you this time.]

2010-11-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

And now for something a little more real...

There is something that needs to happen, that I need to prepare for. There is something I have to do, to say, to find just one piece of my mind. Peace of mind.

The events of this weekend triggered something inside of me. Saddened me to the core and to the center of myself. It's one thing to act a certain way to behave a certain way. It's another thing to watch your own abhorrent behaviour be performed by someone else. That recognition I felt as I watched the events unfold in front of my very eyes made me SICK. I felt like I was going to throw up when it all clicked and all of those pieces fell into place. It was like looking into a mirror but the face that stared back at me wasn't my own.

So what is next? You keep working at it and I'm working at it. First things first, all those good habits that make me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something.

I went grocery shopping twice this past week. I've stocked up on dinner meals and today I went up to Trader Joe's to get some lunch items to save me some money. I picked up some good winter tea, Vanilla and Cinnamon. The box is wonderful it has this cute little cartoon lemur on it, holding a mug of tea and wrapped up in a string of holiday lights. His little stripey tail is just super-cute.

I just finished doing a huge clean of my apartment while dancing around to On the Edge. Paul has been playing some great music tonight and I heard this band called Liquid Divine that I had never heard of before. I'm sure they've been around for ages and I just haven't noticed. :P I've really been lax on the music lately and have been falling into bands that I listen to over and over again. The same ones I complain are overplayed at the clubs over and over again. [although I do say that if I hear Military Fashion Show one more time I'm going to abandon all of my military inspired outfits.] The song that Paul played by Liquid divine was Sojourner and it was very haunting to me, I'm not quite sure why. Thursday I'll get my live music fix with Combichrist and Aesthetic Perfection. The last time they came around I was horribly sick with pneumonia and wasn't able to go. [I did try my best to get my caretakers to let me go though.] I suppose it would be silly of me to want to go with D. [.:even though I don't feel silly:. it was his xmas gift to me that year.]

My own mortality has been playing in my head over and over again since my mom had the stroke. Why did I ever want to die again? Why was it always this bright and shiny option? I can say this. If I could take years off of my life and give it to any member of my family or my dear friends, I would do it in a heartbeat. Losing something you haven't yet experienced is one thing, and throwing away everything you have ever known is another. "...but seeing death, really seeing it makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."

My zebra finches finally have names! The white finch is Kali and the gray finch is Discordia. Hindu and Roman names for the Greek goddess Eris. [Eris meaning Strife.] I don't think that they will ever respond to their names, but Kali has informed me that if I don't buy another nest she will bring out her namesake!

I have no idea how to end this, but I'm going to end this here. There is a good book and pj's waiting for me on the bed.

+ Untitled +

2010-11-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to put on mascara when you're crying.

"...tell me did I hurt you, hurt you?"

It's the Little Things

2010-11-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

Someone said to me, "Gennifer, without suffering, there would be no compassion in this world."

I looked at them, a tear fell down my cheek and I replied,

"I would rather live in a world without compassion as to have my world without suffering. I would rather rely on my empathy and sympathy to guide me through the times where there was once compassion. There are many ways to feel compassion, but only one way to feel suffering."

2010-11-03T20:53:00.001-07:00

+ I am in-self imposed exile +

Cry for You, Feel for You

2010-10-28T21:16:00.001-07:00

I saw the Pablo Picasso exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum today. I honestly must not be an art lover because I wasn't that impressed. The further into the exhibit I went, the more I found myself disturbed more than anything else. Perhaps it was the fan making creepy noises in the large room or maybe I just found that his art hit me on a level I wasn't prepared for. Picasso's Weeping Woman series got me the most and especially number four which I have placed above. The woman, although a little disfigured and abstract is a complete emotional mess. I'm sure right after she posed for this the poor women fell to the floor and started screaming.

The sketch disturbed me with its rawness. Can one have empathy for a painting?

2010-10-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

I have so many things I want to write, just floating around my head.
Between work, homework and trying to stay sane, there just isn't the time to write.

...but what happens when writing keeps you sane?